My name is Paula and I am a mother of 7 who has been suffering from severe OCD for 30+ years. My whole life has been a roller coaster of trying to live as best as I can with my condition and doing everything I can to find treatments. Before I ask for any help from anyone, I feel it is only fair to open up about the struggles my family and I have faced and what treatments I have previously tried.
I could fill a book describing my ever changing array of obsessions and compulsions and how it has effected my daily life and my family over the years, but I’m going to try to give you an idea of what it’s been like recently as briefly as I can. Currently my OCD has become so debilitating that it pretty much takes up all of my waking hours of the day when I am home. There is not enough hours of the day to complete all the compulsions I feel required to do, so I have become so behind on some things or begun to completely avoid certain tasks altogether. I have 2 years of mail that for the most part has gone unopened and unsorted because I am not able to throw anything away without closely reading everything first, but I am also not able to let anyone else touch it or take over the task. My husband has resorted to calling every clinic, hospital, and company to ask if we have outstanding bills, so he can at least get them paid. I have missed cashing and depositing countless checks from insurance reimbursements and paychecks to the kids graduation money and scholarships. I spend hours everyday doing very specific cleaning routines all while clutter piles up because I don’t have time to sort and put things away “the right way”. Then after everyone goes to bed I stay up most of the night picking through the trash piece by piece and rebagging everything before I can finally put it into the dumpster for fear that something might have gotten thrown away that shouldn’t have even though I logically know nothing is worth this task. The anxiety that I have if I don’t do it is so unbearable that the thought of not completing these specific tasks sends me into severe suicidal ideations. At times the laundry got so behind that I resorted to going out and buying clothes from the thrift store week by week for everyone in the house rather than let anyone do laundry. I now can’t even bring myself to do any laundry, so my kids do all the family laundry I allow them to do all while laundry baskets of clothes pile up in almost every room in the house. I’m only able to let them do certain things of mine and it’s been 3 years since my bedsheets have been washed. My husband has been sleeping on the couch for 3 years with our 2 youngest kids because I haven’t been able to get a bedroom cleared out for my almost 3 year old and 8 month old, so they sleep in the living room with him besides the fact that our bedroom is barely able to be walked through. Because my time is so filled with all these tasks, I end up routinely going 2 weeks without even showering or bathing only to finally commit a night to that task which takes me at least 3 hours to complete with the OCD that requires. I could go on and on, but despite all this most people in my life would never know how much I have been suffering because I’ve gotten so good at keeping it mostly hidden. My kids and husband on the other hand constantly see me in a state of overwhelming stress, anxiety, and depression. It’s become second nature for my kids to hear mommy talking about how much she wants to die and how much I hate myself. Almost as much as they hear me tell them I love them they hear me say, “I hate myself, I want to die!” Only a few days after getting through the busiest 2 weeks of my life: my oldest son got married, my daughter had her confirmation and party the next day, the following weekend my oldest daughter gradated from college and moved back home, the next day another daughter graduated from high school, followed by a third weekend of throwing a giant graduation party, plus add in a handful of choir concerts, end of school events, and doctors appointments. I also developed trigger thumb in my left hand and had to have a procedure to make my thumb mobile again and in trying to deal with the aftermath of all these events I hit my breaking point. On May 27th, I planned and carried out my suicide plan that had been building for years. By the grace of God, he didn’t allow me to die despite my best attempts at overdosing and suffocation. I spent the next few days held as an impatient only to be sent home with my situation unchanged, but with a renewed desperation to try to find more treatments.
That’s where your support is needed. I found a partial hospitalization program that I plan to start June 18th. It requires almost 7 hours a day of intense OCD therapy and medication management. Since there is no known cure for OCD, over the past 30 years I have tried every possible OCD medication out there including more experimental things like getting ketamine injections and all different forms of CBD. I have seen countless psychiatrists and psychologists, had in home therapy, and spent more time than I would have cared to in psychiatric facilities. I’ve also undergone intensive transcranial magnetic stimulation which involved going in almost everyday and getting strapped to a device that would send currents into my brain. I’ve tried all kinds of alternative medicine too from homeopathy and naturopath doctors to acupuncture and varying types of chiropractic treatments. Much of this was not even covered by insurance and pretty much all our savings and money leftover after bills are paid have gone to medical treatments. I couldn’t even begin to add up my medical expenses over the past 30 years and thanks to some generous family and friends here and there we have gotten some help when we desperately needed it. I have all but run out of hope that my life will ever be anything other than the unbearable suffering I’ve always known. This is basically the last resort of treatment out there that I need to complete before being eligible for brain surgery which is still not a guarantee of relief either, but until I’ve exhausted every possible treatment, I’m trying not to give up hope.
After almost leaving my 7 children motherless, I feel like I owe it to them to try everything I can even if that means I have to swallow my pride and humble myself enough to ask for any help I can get. I can’t stand the fact that I am draining all my families saving and costing them not only vacations, but education funds and opportunities as well. Now in addition to paying for this very intensive form of therapy, we will also have the expenses of childcare while I’m not able to be home, meals, and any transportation and lodging costs. I am asking for your help not just for me, but for a better life for my husband and kids. It breaks my heart to put them through all this and the burden I feel I am to my family when all I want is to be better, so I can finally take care of them and be the wife and mother they deserve and I so desperately want to be. Weather or not you are able to offer any financial support please keep me and my family in your prayers and for God’s will be done through all of this.
